About Our Beginnings...

My photo
Hiro was born January 17th at 12:07 am at Kaiser hospital, 48 hours after the water broke. It was a natural birth, and a very positive experience. Judah was born January 1, 2010 at 1:08 pm 7 hours after the water broke. Judah was delivered at Andaluz Waterbirth center, which was a completely magical experience that we highly recommend to anyone having a normal healthy pregnancy. Malakai was born on December 23, 2011 after three days of inactive labor labor and three hours of active labor (three hours after the water broke). Kai was born at Andaluz as well, this time in "Sienna" the red room. It was a relaxing and delightful way to spend our first Christmas with Malakai.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Home Again?

Nat and I are sleeping in my brother's room at my parent's house. We live here. There is no way to say that without acknowledging the pang of ...failure, inadequacy, risk to relationship, i'm 29 and living with my parents etc...Even the lady at the bank who needed our new addresses to order checks and also knows my family says "How's that working out?"

The truth is, it is working out beautifully so far. My number one goal in choosing to live with my parents was to minimize the emotional and transitional effects on my children. Already, I can tell this move is much more gentle, even exciting, for them. Whenever we have moved before, or someone has left our home, the boys melt down in random tantrums for weeks, or talk about how the old place was "falling apart" or come up with other explanations for why we had to leave.  When we move, my children feel out of control. It is not fair to them. This time, they are excited and at ease here. My parents home and the beautiful land where I grew up is a refuge for them. They are loved, safe, and familiar here.

there are other reasons we choose to live with my parents...i do believe in the principles of community, of living with less and sharing more. i wish we knew what our next step was, but as it is, we are on unpaved road...the future is unclear, and until we know a little more, it seemed unwise to pick a place to 'have roots' at random. In the meantime, we would much rather contribute to my parents mortgage, then to an apartment of equal value. Who knows? Maybe this little social experiment will open the doors to more community, not just between my folks and me, but expanded life together in a broader sense.

I am so thankful for this place, this "eagle's rest" as my parents have named the property. Along the way, I hope the extra cleaning, hot meals, and tiny hugs are all a blessing to my parents as well.

I do not know where we go, but for now, I sleep in my brother's room at my parents house, and my boys doze in the bonus room transformed by our meager belongings. Crunch-gravel-crunch. We are well on our way...

On Birth, Life, and other Mommy Musings

I am riding on cloud nine right now.
I just got back from a post-delivery visit with a family I supported in their delivery of their first daughter, who is now 6 days old and perfect in every way. I had left the birth ecstatic, confident I had done the right things to assist labor, but unsure if I had supported the family as well as they needed. I left tonight, knowing that somehow, I had done exactly what I needed to for them, physically and emotionally. I feel like I may have found my calling. 

I am a doula. 
My job is to carry knowledge, love, encouragement, and strength for parents, as they navigate a phenomenal day in their lives...the day another human joins them, one that will change them forever, one that they will shape in incredible ways. It's a collisions of space and time and souls. A moment when time stops, or at least, is completely irrelevant.  My job is to hold the space, mark the moment, help with human comfort, and let them know they are not alone. I've got their backs. 

I am a mother.
I come home, thankful for the little uplifting break, but also thankful to be returning to family: my little tornado of souls. My little men are constantly crashing into me and crashing into one another. We're knocking each other around and shaping each other into...who knows what? 
I wish I knew. We're on the edge of something, the waters are moving, but we don't know where. Nat says we are on the edge of an unpaved path, shoes still glued to the pavement, not sure what lies ahead.  It goes beyond me finding enjoyment and purpose in doula work, or Nat experiencing a creative renaissance as a freelance artist. Our little buzzing family of five, we are learning to let go, learning what it means to be a family, learning to love others and learning where we are limited. We are learning the difference between living, and just breathing. REAL life. Don't you want it?

Real life, on the unpaved path. To me, there is risk, regret, hope, peace, jubilent noise, solitude, simplicity, honing the skill of giving up, a steadiness and a willingness to be shaken, all ahead of us. Mostly, I hope I am listening. Listening, and running. Running with abandon. Not a running from, but a running to. 

This is the contact point of my life as a mother, and my life as a doula. Here is the splendid and terrifying truth: Today, I am a doula and a mother, but I do not yet know, what I am becoming. 

"Run with me, my little ones! Don't be afraid! There are many things to lose, but YOU will not be one of them!"